SMILES, DEATH, AND DREAMS

novel by

Tanya Dehne

E-book by
GLB Publishers,     San Francisco

Chapter 1

"I need to talk to you about something," Jen said on a grey, early spring day as late afternoon chased shadows around my apartment. "I'm not sure how you're going to react to this, but I've needed to talk to you about this for a long time." Jen folded her small frame into the corner of the couch and brushed her short blonde bangs from her green eyes.

"Oh yeah, what's up?" I asked, lighting a cigarette and trying to force away the slight tremor in my hands. I could already feel my ears burning with anticipatory embarrassment. She gazed unrelentingly into my eyes until I was forced to look away for fear she would see straight into my soul. She's always had that effect on me.

"I had a dream about you last night, Andrea."

"Well, I'm happy it was a dream and not a nightmare."

"Shh," she laughed. "Just let me say this. Otherwise I'll chicken out. I dreamt that I kissed you."

"Really? Was I any good?" I could not believe the words tumbling out of my mouth. I realized I was trying to alleviate some of the acute uneasiness that had descended over me, but what kind of question was that?

"Yes…." She paused for a long moment. "Does this make you really uncomfortable?"

"Not really," I lied. "But every time I talked to you about my relationship with Amy, you always seemed kind of uncomfortable. I guess I've never doubted your sexuality."

"If I've seemed uncomfortable, it's probably because I've had these feelings for you since we first met. And sometimes I've thought you've felt the same for me."

"I do feel the same, but things have been so messed up with Amy. She still comes over, and she calls all the time." I started pacing and puffing nervously on my cigarette. "She just doesn't want to let go. Oh, and she's drinking again."

"That's not you're problem anymore. You broke things off weeks ago. She's a big girl. She knows where to go for help," she said, catching my arm, as I walked within her reach. She pulled me down on the couch and I offered little resistance. "You can't fix her, you know. You've tried that for the last five years."

"Yeah, I know. You know what? Let's not talk about her anymore. Come here," I said, leaning past her to stub out my cigarette. She leaned closer and I wrapped my arms around her.

"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" I asked, nuzzling her neck, and puzzled as to why I asked permission. Perhaps it was because I had fantasized about this moment for so long that I was concerned that I was misreading the situation. Wow, I sure blew past the apprehensive stage.

"Absolutely," was her simple response.

Soft moans escaped her lips as our mouths met in a tentative, but sweet, first kiss. No matter how many times you've been through it, there are few things as magical as a first kiss. Our second kiss was more insistent and impassioned. I gently pushed my tongue past her lips until I met the tip of hers.2

"So," I asked, nuzzling her throat. "Am I as good as your dream?"

"Much, much better." She laughed.

Lost in each other and the sweet possibilities that had not even existed moments ago, we both jumped at a loud bang on the door. We pulled apart quickly as Amy shoved open the front door. I sprang up and started towards her, but the look on her face stopped me in my tracks and slivers of cold fear slither through my body. I stepped slightly in front of Jen. I suppose this was my way of trying to shield her and keep her safe.

"Well isn't this sweet?" Amy said, swaying in the doorway.

"You know, Amy, you don't live here anymore. You can't just bust in my front door."

"I just wanted to see you, Andrea," she said, staggering towards me. She hugged me roughly. "I've missed you." She grabbed my head and clumsily kissed me. With some effort, I finally pushed her away. She lost her balance and landed on her rear end. She tried slowly, but unsuccessfully, to regain her unsteady footing. She dropped back to the floor. She sat there defiant and glared at us both.

"And you call me abusive," she laughed, but I could see the fire in her eyes. "So how long have you been fucking my girlfriend, Jen?"

"I never cheated on you and you know it," I told her quietly, reaching down to help her up.

"So I guess you weren't just kissing her either, were you?" Amy screamed, as she pushed away my hand. She finally managed to haul herself up to her feet. "And don't lie to me. I just saw you through the window."

"You need to leave now, Amy," Jen said as she walked towards her.

"And you need to shut up, bitch," Amy shot back as she pulled out a small gun. It was so small and shiny; it almost looked like a toy. I knew nothing about guns, so I was praying I was right, that it might just be a toy and that Amy hadn't completely lost her mind.

"Aw fuck. Amy, what are you doing?"

"Both of you sit down. Jen, you sit over in the chair." She shoved me down on the couch and sat down at the other end. "I've decided you can't leave me, Andrea. I need you. We're good together."

"No we're not. You won't quit drinking. And you hit me all the time because you're so insanely jealous."

"I love you, I swear I do. But you make me crazy. You know, maybe I wouldn't get so jealous if you weren't fucking your friend over there. Oh, and I read your journal, too. So don't bother playing innocent here. I read about all your little trysts with Jen."

"They never happened," I protested quietly. "They were just fantasies; private thoughts. You can't even let me have my own private thoughts, can you?"

"Hey, do you remember what I told would happen if you tried to leave me?"

"Yeah," I whispered my mouth suddenly devoid of any moisture. Fear trickled through my body and there was a slightly metallic taste in the back of my throat. "You said you'd kill us both."

"What?" she said, as she casually waved the gun in my direction. "I can't hear you. And open your eyes, too."

"You said you'd kill us both." At this point, Jen started crying softly. The gravity of the situation began to sink in. I was scared as hell, but I was also incensed. I decided that if I was going to die, I certainly would not die cowering in front of her.

"Can you really blame me for fighting for you?" she asked. "I love you. You're the only woman I'll ever love. Besides, you know you still love me."

"I pity you," I told her. "That's not even close to love." She pointed the gun directly towards me.

"Amy, it doesn't have to be this way," Jen interjected softly

"She's good in bed, isn't she, Jen?" Amy said without looking away from me.

"We haven't had that pleasure yet," I responded defiantly. "But I'm looking forward to it."

"If I kill you, it'll be your fault you know."

"Yep, everything's my fault."

"You're trying to make me kill you, aren't you?"

"No, but if I'm going to die, I'm not going to keep playing your stupid games."

"Andrea, stop," Jen plead. "Don't make her mad."

"So what's the deal Jen? You're fucking her, so now you get to tell her what to do?

"I just don't want anybody getting hurt. I think you really need some help."

"Nobody can help me now. Nope," she said, shaking her head. "This has gone too far now. If I don't do this, you'll throw my ass in jail. That ain't happening."

Amy scooted over on the couch and pulled me to her. With the gun firmly pressed against my stomach, she sloppily kissed me. Despite my disgust, I don't pull away. She kissed me again and then bit my bottom lip before pulling away. I could taste the salty blood on my lip.

"Do you love me?" Amy asked as she put the gun under her chin. Oddly enough, now that Amy's life was in danger, I was afraid. The anger drained from me and I reached for the gun.

"Please Amy, don't do this. Just give me the gun."

"Do you love me?" she asked again.

"Yes! Yes I still love you! Please don't do this."

"Goodbye sweetheart."

Amy closed her eyes and both Jen and I lunged for the gun. I lost my hearing for a few seconds just after she pulled the trigger. Her blood, hot and sticky, rained down on my face. When muffled sounds started filtering into my ears again, I could hear Jen yelling into the phone that we needed an ambulance. She dropped the phone and kneeled down at my side.

"Are you okay?" she asked. I nodded by reflex only.. "Come on, Andrea, let's move off the couch."

I nodded again, but I was unable to move. My whole being was riveted on Amy. She was lying back on the couch, her legs sort of folded underneath her body and her head was resting on the arm of the couch. Her head seemed so remarkably intact save for the hole under her chin and the rather large hole at the top of her head. I looked down and found I was streaked with blood. There were a few spots on the couch. I wondered surreally if I would be able to get the blood out of the fabric.

"Jen," I asked over the ringing in my ears. "What the hell did I just do?"

"You didn't do anything, sweetheart." She took my hand and pulled me off the bloody couch, but my legs were not working well. So we ended up sitting on the floor a few feet from the couch. Jen held me close and kept me facing away from Amy, but that image was burned into my brain. It was all I saw until everything turned dark.

To Be Continued

Smiles, Death, and Dreams                              $8.00

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